Coercive Control: When a Partner’s Caring Crosses the Line into Abusive Behavior

I have not hidden the fact that I survived an emotionally abusive relationship.  I wrote an entire book about it because I want to both destigmatize the feelings around being in an emotionally abusive relationship but also help people recognize warning signs.  In therapy we have to be selective about our moments of self-disclosure to avoid making sessions about us and our problems, but there are times when someone is drowning in the shame of their own relationship patterns that sharing just the smallest amount normalizes their experiences and allows them to focus on moving forward and healing.  So, today I wanted to focus on one of the many nefarious tactics that are used by abusers in an abusive relationship.  Often, these moments and tactics start off feeling like they are centered around compassion and caring, and they may even make us feel good like we are loved and valued.  Hell, maybe initially that is even where they start, but over time they become more about control and power.  For most of the people I work with, they have ceded power repeatedly in relationships in an effort to be loveable and accepted, so they do not fight much against the desire for control even as that control gets tighter and more stringent.

For many of us, we may have experienced a twinge of jealousy when we see our partner dress a certain way, or maybe they share a picture on social media that makes us uncomfortable.  Those feelings are not inherently bad or uncommon.  However, we should be in a healthy enough relationship where we can have some discussions around that.  Maybe we share why we feel jealous or uncomfortable, we seek reassurance or maybe even to clarify some of our own relationship boundaries.  However, having someone who tells us what we can and cannot wear crosses a line.  For me, I was told to not post pictures or videos of me lifting weights in compression pants or shorts.  It started off as a tone of concern about being off putting to potential clients when I was coaching powerlifting.  Then it morphed into critique that I was in essence posting thirst traps or that I was seeking attention and that there must be something wrong with me.  Eventually, things got to a level where I was told not to wear Disney hats or shirts because I did not need people seeing me as a “hot dad”.  All of these were spoken in a way that was supposed to sound like a loving concern and like we were having a healthy relationship, and so I listened and tried to not make my partner upset with me.  However, if I were to ever raise a similar objection I was shut down and told I had to accept their way or I could leave.  It was not about partnership and respect; it was about control to them. 

Beyond the way I was allowed to dress or be seen, this control extended to the people in my life.  From the earliest days of the relationship, she would drive little wedges and find ways to create conflicts with people in my life.  She would tell me someone was a bad friend or was taking advantage of me or would blow up my phone the entire time I was trying to have dinner with a buddy, making it impossible to connect with him over a two-hour meal and hang out session.  The way she controlled my every social interaction and expected me to be home and available to talk whenever she felt a desire had been flattering at first, but over time it became frustrating to sit at home hoping to hear from someone who had made me bail on plans or made me leave early because the plans were not fun for either of us as often as I had to reply to her on my phone.  Eventually, having isolated me from most of my friends in some way, shape or form, she would go on to accuse me of having an affair with one of my best friends who was (and is) practically my sister.  She insinuated that our exchanges crossed a line as we both bemoaned emotionally unavailable partners, we were crazy about and shared memes.  Meanwhile, when I voiced an issue with a friend of hers who was sending her somewhat racy things, she said I had to accept it, all right after telling me I could not maintain a friendship anymore because she would leave if I did.  It was not about her thinking I was up to no good, she saw weeks of texts without a flirty comment or risqué picture.  For her it was about controlling me and giving me yet another ultimatum. 

Control was always the name of the game for her. It did not matter if I left, nor if I was hurt or harmed. What mattered was she felt in control. She would keep me up far past my normal bedtime even when I had an early day the next day but would be angry at me for disrupting her sleep in any fashion. She would expect me to be available and answering quickly for any phone call, but if I answered a call or a text TOO quickly, she would accuse me of being up to no good. She would tell me I was no good and that I deserved to be alone, and point to the fact that I was isolated from friends and family as proof, disregarding the fact that she herself was the one who had isolated me. The whole time, all of these things would be ignored by me because this was someone I loved and cared about. It was really hard to reconcile the hurt she would deliver to me, but the way she had built up to all of it made me feel like I deserved it and like she was right. It took months of therapy and rebuilding and repairing friendships and relationships before I started to truly be able to see the amount of damage this one person had done. There was guilt and shame, the normal thoughts of “how could I have allowed this?” are common for myself and for many I have worked with. The person who seeks coercive control is a master at manipulation and knows very well how to exert control. People who have a people-pleasing tendency are often their ideal target because we will work harder and harder to make them happy, when there is nothing we could do to actually make them happy. If any of this feels familiar to you, I implore you to speak with a friend, a family member, or a therapist. Speak to as many people as you can about it, so you can see if they see what you are feeling. Often, they may have noticed a change but have been unable to say anything for fear of damaging the relationship with you because you have been conditioned to stand up for the person who is pulling your strings.