Is There a Male Loneliness Epidemic?
Yes. Thanks for coming out. Okay, I do in fact have a lot to say about this. In my practice, I have worked with a lot of men and women and we are all dealing with this issue from different sides. The issue at hand is that men are not forming the deeply connected relationships they need to and are now, on the whole, leaning on women to make up for that. This is not a new issue, but it is one that is becoming more and more pervasive. Normally, this would be the place where we would talk about needing to figure out why this is going on and explore what the solutions to this might be. As luck would have it, I already know the whys and the answers. At the core, men need to be vulnerable together and stop dumping that in the laps of the women they are interested in. Just as a quick interjection, this is specifically addressed to individuals in heterosexual dynamics. The reason we need to learn vulnerability now as adults is because we were not shown, or not allowed to be vulnerable as kids. There is some additional nuance, but if someone wanted to get a hasty overview and then bail, I wanted to make sure to have given at least the basis of some knowledge to proceed.
Vulnerability is a trait that often is part of the nurture side of the nature versus nurture argument. I have never seen a toddler learning to walk who fell and simply grabbed a handful of dirt to rub on their diapered bottom before walking it off. I have also never seen a young child going to the playground for the first time, who did not stop at least once between parents and play equipment to look back for reassurance. At our earliest stages of life, we are completely vulnerable and wholly dependent on our caregivers. Over time, we are able to learn autonomy and find our own comfort zones. However, for boys, there does come a time when we have to start acting tough. The lessons where we are told to toughen up may be well-intentioned, but the impact is still one where we lose that vulnerability, shred by shred. It could be an adult telling us not to cry because they know at school we might get picked on if we do. It could be the other boys in the class picking on us for having a well-loved stuffed animal we bring to class, or maybe even a coach who tells us to walk off an injury, and that we are fine. More nefarious ways we may see this would be instances like telling an upset little boy “I’ll give you something to cry about” when they are already crying, or telling them to “man up” or to “stop acting like a girl”. The end result of all of this is that we push little boys closer and closer to abandoning their softer sides and making them feel like they can’t have nor express emotions that are anything other than happy or angry.
These boys, who still FEEL all those feelings, now go out into the world and are unable to express themselves. They do not feel safe with other boys because they anticipate the rejection they have already felt. So what do they do with those feelings? Some may find an outlet like writing or music to express themselves, while others may channel the feelings they have to anger or rage. Our society often excuses or maybe even rewards the boys and their anger because we reinforce those broken stereotypes. By the time boys start to really show a genuine interest in women, they start to recognize some of those softer and squishy feelings are coming to the surface. They have their first real crushes and maybe even their first loves while they are still maturing physically, but stunted emotionally. They may start to express feelings more openly with the women they are in a relationship with because they feel safe there unlike everywhere else. Women are more expected by society to be vulnerable and to be able to handle the feelings of others (that can be tackled in a separate post, but suffice to say, those expectations are not fair to our little girls). In her book “The Will to Change”, bell hooks discusses how men are often the most vulnerable either right before or right after sex with their partner. Logically, that plays out because that is a time of physical vulnerability, being naked in front of a partner, but also feeling the connection strengthened through the bond of physical intimacy can bring a lot of feelings up as well. The issue here is that women should not have to play therapist and lover in the same scene. While in any healthy relationship, we should be able to provide some semblance of emotional first-aid and comfort to each other, while also being able to provide all the forms of intimacy, the two shouldn’t really cross-pollinate like it’s part of foreplay or aftercare. Men need to learn how to be vulnerable both outside of the bedroom, as well as in the formation of relationships that are not romantic in nature.
More than that, we as a society need to change how we view men and masculinity. Anytime someone mentions “toxic masculinity” on the internet, people will lose their minds about how masculinity is not toxic. Well, Steve, water is not toxic either, but if you chug 20 gallons in one sitting, it could still kill you. Masculinity is inherently a good thing, but when men don’t know how to express emotions and feel a level of entitlement to being able to spew them or have them tended to by the women in their lives, it becomes toxic. Hell, when men start to think they are superior by virtue of the dangly bits, that is toxicity at its finest. So we, as a society, need to learn that masculinity can, in fact, be toxic and stop defending it with bullshit like “boys will be boys” or pretending that degrading people is just “locker room talk.” Boys and men need accountability for their actions, choices, and behaviors. When we excuse them by saying they deserve a second chance because of their bright future, we inherently value their lives over those of people they cause harm to. As a parent, I certainly understand wanting my kids to have every chance of success in the world. However, I also strive to teach my kids not to be assholes and teach both of them (a son and a daughter for those not familiar) about bodily autonomy and “no.” I want to help them understand what healthy masculinity looks like, that I can deadlift almost 500 pounds and then cry at a Pixar movie with them. I want them to see that I can be silly and goof off with them while seeing that I can also respect the server at a restaurant. We talk about consent in an age-appropriate way, and my goal is that both of them see the balance of traits at home and that they do not need to be tough or soft, they just need to be themselves. At the end of the day, they are enough and loved just as they are. Because I think that vulnerability also breeds authenticity, and authenticity helps us find partners who truly love and accept us.
Lastly, I think many men out there today have been hurt not only by the things we have discussed but maybe even by a relationship they had. I know when I had my heart broken, I found solace in videos on the internet that talked about and validated my pain. However, in only a few videos the path clearly became one that was pushing me towards the land of red pills (for the unfamiliar red-pill these days often points to the misogynistic and incel world) which I was able to see and exit out of. Boys or young men who have had their hearts broken may not be able to realize that their minds are being subjected to this, and soon they find that they think Elon Musk and the Tate Brothers are beacons of masculinity rather than the antithesis of healthy masculinity. Until we start addressing that disparity, and until we stop platforming pieces of shit like them, we will be stuck with a segment of our population we would not want women to be subjected to.
Not everyone will buy into the need to address that seedy side of the internet as fervently as I do, but I see firsthand with clients how easy it is to begin to move from a loving and vulnerable man to a bitter and entitled prick. As men, we deserve better, and the women we love, or hope to one day love, also deserve better. At the end of the day, it is a consequence of patriarchal society that we are here now, and the only way we can truly address it is to dismantle the patriarchy.