The Long-Lasting Impact of Trauma Pt. 1

When you hear the word “trauma” you probably think of “Trauma”.  I draw the distinction between trauma and Trauma as a matter of most people’s perception.  Often, when we think of Trauma, we are talking about big life changing moments that usually are characterized as moments of imminent danger and possible loss of life or limb like war, accidents, or violence (physical or sexual) against a person.  Typically, when we hear someone talk about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that is the kind of event most are thinking about. However, trauma is much deeper than that and often is hiding before our very eyes.  Many people have lived a live steeped in trauma unbeknownst to them until years pass and they wind up in therapy trying to decipher how they got to this exact moment at this exact time. As we begin to unravel the threads of their lives that have wrapped their tendrils around them, we start to see patterns throughout their lives and those patterns date back all the way to childhood.

This is where it is important that we recognize trauma, in its more nefarious and less obvious capacity.  For many of us growing up is filled with things that are not inherently easily identifiable as trauma.  In fact, when we first start discussing our childhoods we readily volunteer that we had a good childhood.  We came from a loving home and our parents are still together, we may not have struggled to make ends meet and we have many happy memories.  We lived what many would likely point to and say was an idyllic existence.  However, this turns out to not quite be the case.  For so many there is trauma associated with a childhood they would describe like that.  The trauma they experienced was not something so obvious as Trauma, but rather was something experienced repeatedly over a long period of time.  Often, this comes from those who are our closest relations and the first caregivers we have, usually one of our parents. 

As early as during our infancy we are slowly receiving messages that impact us for the rest of our lives until that day we take the first step towards reclaiming our lives when we enter therapy.  It may be that we have never realized something had deeply affected us but rather just knew that somewhere beneath the surface something was not sitting quite right with us.  When we reach that place where we begin to recognize something isn’t quite right and seek out answers, if we enter therapy with an open mind and are honest within the therapeutic relationship we begin to uncover that there is trauma from our childhoods.  Before you leap out of this and say there wasn’t any trauma from your childhood and that that isn’t the root cause let me explain a bit more.  The trauma of our childhood can be very subtle, but it is something repeated over and over which is what makes it so traumatic.  This can something like emotional neglect.  While our first knee jerk response to the idea of “neglect” is that of a parent who leaves their children at home unattended at an age when the child can barely toilet themselves let alone be safe tending to all of their individual needs alone in a house.  Instead, here we are focusing on a parent failing to meet the emotional needs of their child.  This can be seen in interactions where the parent says “I am too busy to deal with this” on an ongoing basis, or where the parent locks themselves away from the child for a period of time rather than dealing with the emotional needs of the youngster.  The messaging the child receives when this becomes an ongoing pattern is that of “your needs don’t matter; I am too busy/overwhelmed/tired/otherwise occupied to address this need of yours”.  Drawn out over years this pattern tells the child “you are less than” and that “if you are upset and crying and making a scene I will not attend to your needs” enforcing that our emotions that we can’t even understand at a very early age are a burden to others. 

As we take that lesson and run with it over the course of our lifetimes, it hinders us repeatedly in life.  In establishing friendships we always feel that we cannot use our voice and say what we want or need and wind up playing games we aren’t interested in or go along with ideas that don’t actually engage us whatsoever.  We allow others to lead the direction of what we do, how we play, and what we feel or think.  Instead of saying “no” we say “oh, sure I guess”.  We know that our voice doesn’t matter and that if we become a squeaky wheel the rest of the machine will walk away rather than us getting the grease we need.  We have learned to adapt to life in a way that (we hope) means we will never be abandoned.  Instead of being ourselves we try to fit the picture of what we think someone else wants us to be.  In friendships, in romantic relationships, and with our parents we try to be everything to everyone because that last time we tried to effectively communicate our sadness or anger, we were told that is not something we are entitled to, repeatedly. So, here we sit in therapy terrified that we are going to upset this person we are paying to listen to us.  Afraid of being a burden to them or them leaving us, because that’s the only way we know to live our lives.  Welcome to being a people pleaser, your trauma preceded you through the door and you are just starting to realize how much you have been stuffing your feelings for years to caretake other people. 

Of course, this isn’t the only way that childhood trauma shows itself, nor is it the only response.However, this response, referred to often as “fawning” is one of the most common things we see, especially for those who have grown up in a Trauma-free loving home.There was no obvious harm done and things seemed “normal” when we thought about it, but the patterns in our lives show that there was trauma and now we have to deal with it, lest we pass this down to our children or wind up unable to have a truly deep and fulfilling relationship.