My Dad X: The Rainbow Connection and the New Muppets Show

Dear Dad,

Last night I got to see a sneak preview of the new Muppets Show. It opened with The Rainbow Connection, which has always hit me like a ton of bricks since you died. Every time I hear a few notes from it, the tears are right there. It’s not that I recall listening to that song specifically with you, but it reminds me of all the times we watched the Muppets together. I suspect it may be the last Christmas movie we watched together. I recall you having a Kermit watch when I was a kid. I don’t know exactly why, but since you died, that song is the one that consistently gets me. Seeing a video of it, seeing it as part of the shows at Disneyland when I went for my birthday, and seeing it open the show. I don’t mind crying about it; you were not shy about crying. I just wish I had always appreciated that about you more. The show went on and had some great bits, but the other part that really got me- aside from being able to show you and see what you think- is that Sabrina Carpenter did a version of “Islands in the Stream”. I remember how often we played Kenny Rogers and how much we all cherished him and Dolly singing together. Dolly has always felt like part of our family, and I truly thought in my youth that we as a family knew Kenny personally. Sabrina did a wonderful job singing, and there were moments when it really felt like Dolly’s voice. But seeing that, and hearing it brought the tears again. But then, in a flash, it was over. The episode was probably just under 30 minutes, and I wanted to rewatch it, but I have to wait until today for that.

I guess in some ways, all of the impermanence I see now is both sad and also comforting. On the one hand, it’s sad because nothing lasts forever, even the best of things. But it also means that the worst things will also end. The way our country seems so hell-bent on hate and divisiveness, the way people are actively trying to excuse public executions where there was no due process, and the way people are supporting a man who has more evidence that he has raped children than that he is even capable of making decisions. I know you found him vile, and I will always cherish that even in the hospital when you needed your blood pressure to go up for a procedure, you just had them talk about him and boom- went the dynamite. It makes it easier to know that my anger and my blood pressure are in good company. I don’t understand how we got here, nor how we get away from here. But I don’t think you did or would either. But, I know that you always appreciated funny things, and I think you would have loved the first episode of hopefully many more.

I think, after a lot of deliberation, that the tattoo I get to remember you by will be inspired by The Rainbow Connection. There are elements I want to capture, and I need to email my tattoo guy and try to get the process started. There are so many “firsts” that I am acutely aware you miss now, but that will begin to dwindle soon. Over half a year has gone by, which means there are quite a few things that will no longer be the first without you. I guess that’s the other side of impermanence that I was talking about. I find I am trying to squeeze as much of the joy out of the joyful moments because I know they are fleeting. The hard times feel like they last so much longer, though, so I guess I am just trying to counteract that.

We had a really good snow here this past weekend. It was really pretty, and I just stayed in and read. I finished an entire book, which was nice. I had considered turning the lights on the Christmas tree on, but decided it was February, and I would let it go. So I wound up finally taking it down and putting it away. The last of the first Christmas without you. I find I hope that next Christmas feels more like Christmas, but who knows. Everything is both new and old now, and I am honestly not sure what to expect day to day. I am both surprised and not surprised by the things happening on our streets, and also the speed at which my kids grow up. I don’t think I am at all surprised by the mundanity of daily life. It does feel a lot like the movie Groundhog Day, just a repeat of many of the same days over and over, punctuated by small differences here and there.

I think I’ve started to understand why there are so many songs about rainbows and what’s on the other side. I wish I could see the other side, even just for a day, sort of like Coco, because I feel like you would be there and we could catch up. It would be nice to hear your voice again and to hear your laugh. But that day is probably a long way away. I am in no hurry to join you over there, but if there were ever a visitation day, I would be there in a heartbeat.