A Therapist’s Love Letter

I see you where you are, I meet you there because that is how you come to me.  You are starving for love and acceptance and have learned to accommodate other people’s needs at expense to yourself.  At one point, early in your life, that was how you learned safety.  This is the place where you figured out what “normal” looked like and you learned that love and safety only cost you voicing your needs.  Maybe you even learned that your needs did not matter because you got shut down somehow anytime you tried to voice them.  You and your voice were turned down and tuned out.  You have always been well behaved and a good friend because you will show up for anyone when they need you, willing to put down whatever is in front of you when a friend or loved one calls with a need.  You think you are selfless, and in some ways, you are, but it is not actually selflessness, it is a learned behavior and a sacrifice you make to try and keep people around.  You are giving away love, time, and energy like they are in endless supply.  You are giving it out freely just hoping someone will return that to you at a fraction of the amount.

Now you have found someone who meets you where you are.  You have that special someone who makes you feel seen and valued and they make you feel special.  All that you have been doing is paying off and today you finally feel like all the hurt and sacrifice is worth it.  Finally, you have your reward, and it is this person who will finally return that love in a way that makes you feel truly valued and understood.  You are beside yourself with joy over this and you will do whatever you need to make this work, because it is PERFECT.  They make you see colors that were never there, you appreciate the world in ways you never have before, and everything somehow just feels better.  This is true love, you are connected and things are getting deeper and deeper and you cannot help but feel like you are somehow losing control, but for once in a GOOD way.  This is heaven and you never want it to end.  This is true love and fate.  Then, the first fight, argument or disagreement comes, and this precious and wonderful thing is falling apart, this is all slipping through your fingers like sand at the beach.  You try to hold on, that does nothing to change things.  But you decide to try harder, to do more.  That works.  You did more and things are “right” again.  Thank God, this was a blow you could not handle.

But the colors are not that bright anymore.  The appreciation is somehow less than it was, things feel fragile and like you are on a precipice.  You want things to go back to how they were, you are desperate to feel that HIGH again.  You are beside yourself wanting those feelings back.  You need this to be okay.  Slowly, things get better, more stable at least, but not quite how they were.  You start to make your peace with it, and you have convinced yourself that this is just the normal change that happens as we grow in a relationship.  Things are okay, hell maybe they are good, definitely fine.  No need to rock the boat or say anything, you are back together and that is what you needed.  Then there is a sudden shift again, and you are back to fighting for your life, to giving and giving hoping that somehow this ship can be righted and that you can be on stable ground again.  This time things are even worse than last time, but you know your love will be enough to get through this, that you just have to try harder and do more.  “I can give more, I learned that in childhood” you think, and so you do.  This is what love looks like after all and you are all the way in on love.  

You keep riding this cycle, and each time you give up more, you sacrifice more of yourself and feel like you get less and less.  At this point, you feel like you are empty like you have nothing left to give, but somehow this is exactly what you DESERVE.  Love is worth fighting for, you know this maybe is not okay, but you want them to know how much they mean to you, how deep your love is, so you will give some more.  You walk around on eggshells, fearful that the slightest misstep will anger them.  You do not have any needs now, at least none that you will verbalize.  You now need approximately the same amount of love, caring, and affection that a fake houseplant does.  But you are not alone, and that is something.  Although, even when you share time and space, you feel utterly alone, you are unseen, unheard, unwanted.  They have isolated you from all your friends and family.  They have removed you from all your outlets and made you feel like you can only invest time in them, that they are the only place you can put your time, money, and attention.  Then, they push you away, and you break.  They have abused you, verbally and emotionally.  Maybe more.  You made excuses for them and their behaviors.  They broke you, dismissed you, and cheated on you, sought everything you sought to give them somewhere else.  They accused you of everything you find out they did.  They gaslit you, they hurt you.  You are empty, exhausted, and feel devastated and broken.  They have hurt you more than anyone else ever has.  But, some part of you would give anything to hear their voice again, to have them apologize and tell you they made a mistake, even though you know those apologies would be like so many they have given before.  Empty.  No chance of change.  No true remorse.  But they are, or at least were, your everything.  

Is this love?  Yes.  What you did for them showed that you have so much love, and so much you are willing to give.  What they did what not love, it was some sort of manipulation, whether intentional or otherwise.  You deserve more.  You are worth more than the tens of thousands of dollars you gave them.  Your worth is far beyond the love you freely gave them that they never returned to you.  Your life has meaning and value.  I am here with you.  I will sit with you as long as needed; I will shine the light on you until you can shine your own light again.  You feel like the darkness will never end, but I can show you the way.  I will not leave you to this.  I know the way out because I sat where you are sitting.  I fought the darkness and demons, the negative self-talk, and the doubts.  Some days, I still fight them.  Some days are harder than others.  You are important, you are valued and special.  You just need to learn to see it for yourself, and I will not leave your side until you do, then you will be ready to let go of our space.