A Celebration of Self: Shoes and Perfectionism
For many of us we may excel at celebrating others and being an outstanding cheerleader for them whether they are winning or struggling. We can be supportive and compassionate to them and validate their experiences. However, in our own lives we fall short. We beat ourselves up and are overly critical of who we are, what we have done and what we are capable of. We recognize that everyone has good days and bad days, but we do not allow ourselves those. So, when we have a day where our capacity is diminished, we criticize ourselves and become hypercritical of our “failure”. This means we live a life fearing failure at every turn. In all honesty, it is a really shitty and not so enjoyable way to live life. But it is also all we know, because from an early age we have strived for perfection. If the class average was 70% and we got a 95, we do not celebrate being in the top percentile, but rather we dig in and wonder why we failed to get 100%. Chances are we learned how to be such an effective cheerleader at an early age and felt our role was to be exactly that. When we grow up, we are hopeful that someone will be our cheerleader, and yet we keep finding friends, family, and even our partners may fall short on that front again and again. This means we do not feel rewarded nor fully fulfilled the way we hoped we would in a relationship at any level. Part of our “fix” related to this is to begin altering dynamics in our relationships. This means we ask directly for our needs from these people, and based on the responses we receive from them, we begin to set or alter our boundaries around that relationship. We deserve security and comfort in relationships as much as anyone else does. But the other part of the changes we need to make are wholly dependent on us and can be as equally challenging to carry out.
Learning to be our own cheerleader, learning to comfort ourselves and celebrate “us” when we have good or bad days is something we have to get into the habit of. There will be days this is easier, like when we do something substantial at work like close a big deal or nail a presentation, or when we hit a certain milestone maybe at the gym or financially. It becomes harder when it is a smaller win, or even when it is just something as simple as “I survived this really trying time or thing in my life”. But those are critical moments to comfort and care for ourselves. This does not have to be a huge event, it can be something as simple as reminding yourself it is okay to rest and take a break from the stress of the world, or to maybe having a meal that makes you happy, either from your favorite restaurant or one you make yourself. The important piece is that you say to yourself “I am doing this for me because I love me, and because I deserve this” or something similar that feels more natural coming out of your mouth. You have to specify that you are doing this intentionally with the goal of offering yourself care, compassion, support, and even love. This is not a license to go out and buy the sports car of your dreams, but this is a license to pick something that falls within your means and designate that as an act of self-love and self-care.
For me, that has often become shoes. Are all of my shoes self-care related? No. But the ones that are, I recognize every time I pull them out to wear the significance of those shoes. My Fire Red Jordan IV’s? Those were my first ever pair of Jordan’s and I took L’s on them at shock drop and release, but knew I HAD to have them, because they were my first pair back in 1989. So, I paid resale pricing for them about eight months after they launched. They were a celebration of me making it through being utterly broke and unable to pay s couple of bills when I got laid off and started building my practice up. I could finally afford a little something extra and they were within my means. So, every time I pull them out, I smile because they have more meaning than some of my other pairs. My Wair/Walker SB Dunk Highs were shoes I bought when I was in the final days of an abusive relationship. I was struggling to find any joy in life and had wanted those shoes so badly when I saw the story behind them. They are the most money I ever paid for a shoe in my life (as of this writing) and every time I see them, I am reminded of my ability to survive and that I cannot and will not allow someone to come into my life and harm me repeatedly ever again. They make me smile because I know how significant they are and that is my (I guess now our) little secret.
I decided to write this because I have two more pairs of significance that are relevant to today and this writing. During the aforementioned abusive relationship. I won a pair of Raygun Tie Daye Black dunks. I had always loved the Rayguns and winning these was a huge W for me on the drop. But when they came I was struggling for money, my abuser had just run up my credit cards to max and had told me she wanted a divorce while I was on the side of the road following a car accident (which she claimed I used for attention). When these shoes arrived, I started looking at what they were selling for and vowed once they hit a certain price point, I would sell them. Then I tried them on and I am pretty sure I made a sound, because they felt “right” on my feet. So, I never sold them. I vowed that they were a shoe I would un-deadstock once I hit a goal, but I did not yet know what that goal would be. Well, I now have taken a writing retreat and finished a book I started writing around 16 months ago. I brought those shoes, as well as a shirt I bought to match with them, on this trip and they will be my “uniform” for my return home for completing such a hard and heavy task. I have fallen ever more in love with these shoes, and they are something that I paid for over three years ago, but the mere act of finally putting them to feet and wearing them out means so much more to me now because of this. The other pair in question is the SB Jordan IV, which I decided I wanted as a celebration of a financial goal. It felt appropriate that they, being green, would be tied to a financial goal. I was lucky enough to secure exclusive access and win them, which to my mind was sort of kismet, as I had identified them and said the timing of the drop would correlate nicely with hitting this marker.
Find the things in your life that make you feel seen and valued. Seek out the ways to reward yourself and remind yourself of your worth and do it when you win and when you lose. Offer yourself comfort, safety, security and do it with regularity. Again, it does not need to be a significant expense, or even any expense. It just needs to be something you earmark as a reward and a way to celebrate you and your inherent worth and value as a human with needs and feelings. You matter as much as anyone else, so turn the love and kindness you shower others with onto yourself.