Grieving Isn’t Just for Death

Just over a week ago I came home from a trip that I took for multiple reasons.  The bulk of my days on this trip were spent on finishing the draft of a book I have been working on across three separate years.  That book is about my experience in an emotionally abusive relationship and was inspired by conversations I had with several clients as well as my own therapist.  For me, the experience of writing that book was freeing but also somewhat traumatic at times, as I had to explore years of text messages and emails which means I had to relive all those moments again.  Some of them were fond memories, but as often is the case with an abusive relationship, many of those were painful memories.  For me, that exploration wound up being transformative because when we see someone who has survived an emotionally abusive relationship, we see them coming out of it questioning themselves and blaming themselves for all the failings and shortcomings of that relationship, as they were trained to do throughout the course of that relationship.  I was no different than anyone else in that sense, but looking over years of messages I was able to see all the ways control was exerted over me and I was able to see the ways that I was manipulated and even how drama and conflict was manufactured.  However, this is not at all an experience I would suggest everyone put themselves through. Part of the reason it took so long to write was how emotionally laden it was, and that I needed time to grieve and heal along the way.  Grief and healing often go hand in hand though, but we often assume grief is only tied to the loss we experience when someone dies. 

Grief is a deep sorrow and sadness, and the act of grieving is the process of allowing ourselves to feel that, related to loss.  For us, loss can be losing a thing just as much as it can be losing a person.  That is the context we want to explore here, is how grief and the act of grieving can allow us to move forward.  Typically, when we lose a relationship, it is far more likely that the other person is still very much alive, and this is what causes most of us to fail to grieve the end of the relationship.  How can we grieve when someone is still alive may be the subconscious thought that makes us not go through any of the steps to grieve.  Grief is not a fun thing and for many of us, we have been conditioned to try to move on quickly from pain.  Hell, the old adage of “to get over someone, get under someone” exists as a way for us to escape the pain of losing a relationship. However, in my experience (lived and professional) all that does is just delay feeling our feelings and instead serves more as a way to numb ourselves rather than feel that extreme hurt we are actually struggling to endure.  What are we meant to do with the hurt, frustration, and the pain that stems from a partnership that ended prematurely to our mind?  For us it is not terribly far off from the way we grieve death actually.  We can alter some of the traditional aspects of a grieving process to fit our individual case, but a eulogy and a funeral have been old standbys for many cultures for a reason.  Funerals may be spoken about as a way to honor someone who died, but really, they are a way for us, those who remain, to hopefully find a sense of closure and can serve to help us mourn and grief our loss.

With the end of a relationship, even when it is for the best, there is bound to be sadness and a sense of loss.  Even when we can objectively see the relationship was either not healthy or was not going to go in the direction we hoped it would, we have forged a bond with someone.  If love was as easy as turning on or off a light switch, then I suspect that far fewer relationships would be sustainable.  For most of us, love is something you work at, it is a commitment and a promise.  Obviously, this does not hold true for everyone, but for our purposes, most of us experience love in some semblance of a deep affection and a connection to a person or relationship.  When we divorce or when we break up, that love does not just cease to be, it is not like some chemical change just alters it and all at once it is gone.  That means that we still feel a connection, and we must honor that connection in a way that is authentic to ourselves.  So that means saying our goodbyes and burying that part of our past in an effort to allow ourselves to move on.  You can do this in so many ways but there are a few specific ways and a few pieces of advice I would like to offer from my personal and professional experiences. 

To start with, we should focus on our words.  Often, when a relationship ends, we do not get to say everything we think and feel.  Either because we know it is no use, it will fall on ears that are not willing to receive it, or because we have been discarded and abandoned.  This means we have all these words we wish we could have said or words we regret not speaking despite them being on the tip of our tongue.  These words could be sweet ones where we tell someone how much they meant to us and how dearly we miss them, or it can be words of anger, resentment and communicating to them how deeply they have hurt us.  The latter is the path I often suggest clients focus on who have been in abusive relationships, because the cycle of abuse means we learned to see past the worst of someone else’s behaviors and that we only see the good and sweet things they did in the aftermath of the worst of what they threw at us.  Say everything and anything you wish you could say to them, this is a letter you will write just for you, expressing all of it.  It does not need to flow in any specific way or be written in a neat and tidy or even grammatically correct way, but it DOES need to express everything you feel.  This is in essence the eulogy, even if it is not a kind look at the person who hurt you.  You gave them so many years of kindness and patience in that scenario and you do not owe them that in this scenario now, in fact I would ask you to lean into your anger and let all the venom out.  You cannot hold onto that and move on to a new relationship, because it will come out at some point.

Then the other step is a funeral or some other ceremonial goodbye. I personally like including the letter in this. If you want to read it, you can. Some people rip it up, some burn it, or crumple it or even bury it. For me, I went to a deeply connected spot, and I had an item my abusive partner had left behind which I used in essence as the “body” for my funeral. I had years prior thrown out or donated almost everything associated with this person from my life, but this was something I had hung on to. I carried this piece with me on my trip, and there I wrote the remainder of my book which was finished with my own letter. Words poured out of me for 90 straight minutes of writing, and then that part was done. The next day, I took the item I had flown across the country with, and I held a funeral where I reclaimed pieces of me I had lost. I found a quiet spot with deep significance to me and the relationship, and I put my AirPods in and listened to some songs that were picked to help facilitate my grieving process, and that spoke to the pain and hurt I had felt. Upon the ending of the last song, I closed my eyes and stood there in silence, saying my goodbyes and letting go, and then I threw away this item. I stood there for a few minutes afterwards soaking in the surroundings and then I moved on with my night. Coming back from this trip, I would go on to remark to my friend how light I felt after all that I did, and how I felt like something had shifted in me over the course of five days. I was feeling a sense of closure and a sense of peace. I had spent a great deal of time in therapy healing but this was that last piece I had been missing, and as soon as I let it go, as soon as I said my goodbyes and buried it, I was able to move with more freedom than I had in years. So, just as I told a client earlier today, my wish is that you are empowered to find your lightness and that you are able to grieve the loss of what you thought you had and can begin to be present in the things that you do have and that bring you joy.