Baggage Claimed

For almost all of us there is going to be some amount of baggage in our lives.  This baggage is really how we adapt to changes we face due to external stimuli and how we handle similar stimuli in the future.  We encounter things that impact us in differing ways as soon as we enter the world.  We start feeling some amount of stress with having a sudden change in the way we interact with our surroundings.  Initially our only way to get our needs met is to cry.  As we grow older, we learn other ways to communicate, our needs and to seek out the comfort, safety, and security we need to be happy and healthy.  However, that does not always mean that those needs are adequately addressed, sometimes due to circumstances, available resources, or any number of additional factors.  As we are still learning and growing we adapt to these new stressors the same way we learn to adapt to suddenly being out of an amniotic sac, by figuring it out and finding that path forward.  This is one of the reasons that people always say, “kids are so resilient” and it is because they have no choice and no other option.  They do not know any better and they can’t exactly move out and move on if things are not going well, so they adapt.  Some of these adaptations wind up getting carried into adulthood and while they serve us for a long time and may even make us feel invaluable, they also can just as easily start to hold us back.

It is not just confined to a childhood of neglect or trauma, but these adaptations and the baggage as we often call it can come from bullying, a bad friendship, an abusive relationship or even a shitty boss.  Because life does not work like the old “choose your own adventure” books, we do not have the luxury of turning back to the page we were on when things go south in life.  Instead, we wind up having to find a way to figure out a path forward despite our hurt and pain.  We must find a way to adapt to handle the impact of these people and these emotions that we suddenly are awash in.  However, where we may see a three-legged dog and marvel at how they overcame life’s challenges, or how we all celebrate Special Olympics participants for overcoming their own challenges, we have not yet gotten to a place where we see emotions and the weight of emotions as the challenges they genuinely are.  We still very much function in a mind over matter society where we expect people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and overcome all of the adversity they have.  That removes the impact these external stimuli have on people and takes all the accountability for someone who has been harmed and puts it on the person who is actually the victim, whether they were made the victim intentionally or just by circumstances.  When buildings collapse, we do not expect survivors to just find their way out.  We rally everyone we can to come to their aid and if the disaster is big enough, other countries will even respond.  Yet when someone feels like the entire world has crumbled down on them, we suggest they smile more, go for a walk, and try swapping their morning coffee with some buttered bullshit.  Why is that?  Why do we expect people to just power through or make changes that are wholly unrelated?

A big portion of why we may judge other people’s baggage is a lack of experience or a lack of empathy.  Some people are pretty fortunate to have never experienced the level of adversity that others do.  This could be related to race, socioeconomic status, or sometimes just sheer luck.  One of the things that makes humans lovely though is empathy.  Having someone who despite never having lived your exact unique experience, they can essentially walk a mile in your shoes in their mind.  Not everyone has this ability these days sadly, and that means that having baggage and seeking therapy or even medications has become so stigmatized that people avoid it or will not talk about it because they have shame around it.  This is why therapy is such an important tool to engage because the right therapist, even one who has a wholly different background from you, should be able to make you feel seen, heard, understood, and valued.  There should be a sense of safety and security where you can speak in an authentic and truthful way and not feel judged.  An OG might call this “unconditional positive regard” (IYKYK).  If you are fortunate enough to find a therapist who does share a decent portion of your background and can understand your experience it may help facilitate a therapeutic bond a little faster because you feel a bond from the jump.  Otherwise, it may take you a little while longer to develop that. 

That bond is where I believe a big portion of healing begins. We feel safe to finally pull out the ugly baggage we have been trying to hide and pretend does not exist. Not only is it safe for us to pull out the old beaten luggage that does not match the rest of our aesthetic, but we are invited to start unpacking it, and exploring these relics of past people and relationships. As we do so we may discover that we are not alone in these moments, or that this thing that felt so big and scary is in fact not so big nor so scary, but when we packed it away because we were so small it was much bigger in scale. The right therapist will help you unravel these pieces of your past and make it where you feel a sense of support and compassion as you go through it, never feeling like you have to face it on your own. My clients often tell me that they hear my voice in their heads between sessions when they face hard things or have to speak hard truths. I am not saying I am a Jedi master, but I am also not saying I am not. Your mileage may vary, but ultimately you deserve that support. We all do. I advocate for therapy, and I also attend my own therapy on an ongoing basis because it is something I believe in. I hope you are able to find the right person to help you unpack your baggage.