Be Tat-True to Yourself

First, it is almost Father’s Day, and I am a dad, so get off me about my title.  Slightly related, if Father’s Day is hard for you, for whatever reason, I am sorry, and this is the last mention of it.  I got a new tattoo this weekend and while I was sitting and chatting with the artist realized how crucial tattoos have become in my own story.   

I talk a great deal with clients about authenticity.  I work hard to create an environment in therapy where each client can be themselves and not feel judged.  Part of that requires me to be able to show up as myself, and to show them that it is safe to be themselves, because not everybody has the same level of privilege, nor do they have the same life experiences.  Some may feel comfortable right away and can start to be themselves, opening up and allowing me an honest look at who they are, whereas for others it may be a very gradual feeling out process.  It takes time to build rapport and to feel a level of comfort and safety to start to be themselves, if they even know how to be themselves at first.  I can be sensitive to this because for so many years I did not even feel that comfortable being myself.  I lived in this space of not wanting to offend anyone, I did not want to be seen as too much nor too little, and I did not want to be a burden, so I learned to be more of a chameleon in whatever setting I was in.  I could talk about sports with this group, nerd shit with this group, or politics with this group.  Each of these were maybe a subsection of who I was, but I was not being fully me in any single place.  I had never really been shown that that was acceptable, so I was what I thought people wanted me to be.  That doesn’t mean I was trying to take things from people, but rather for me it was I tried to avoid conflict, and I tried to get (often the wrong) people to stay in my life.  Thanks to my work in and out of therapy (both personal and professionally speaking) I have come a long way. 

One of the clearest examples to me both of where I was and of where I am now is my tattoos.  I got my first tattoo when I was a freshman in undergrad.  It was small and easily hidden, but it was not something that was common in my family.  Hell, this was also back when tattoos were not nearly as common (because I am old).  Looking back, I had always had an interest in tattoos.  One of my favorite GI Joe characters had a tattoo and I was always that kid who probably had their gaze linger juuuuuuust a little too long when I saw someone with a tattoo.  I slowly got more tattoos, not as many as I wanted because there were always objections to what I wanted to put on my body or the price and for the longest time, there was also a need for my tattoos to be hidden for work.  So, over the span of around 20 years, I had four pieces that all went on my legs where they could be easily covered at work.  There were more I wanted, and I also had always wanted sleeves done too, but I had other people’s voices holding me back. 

When I made the move to working for myself full-time, I was terrified.  Honestly, on some level I remain terrified because it was never something I envisioned doing.  However, there was a period where I debated moving back into working for someone else.  I love what I do, and I wanted something to remind me of that.  On the hardest days, on the days I was filled with the most self-doubt, I wanted something that would remind me of my WHY.  So, I got a tattoo while on a trip with a dear friend of mine.  I got it where it would be a lot harder to hide and I got it facing “the wrong way” so I could see it almost constantly.  That started a ritual where I added a tattoo to that arm almost like a passport when I traveled places.  This past weekend was actually the first one done locally to me on that arm, and it was a design I could not pass up.  Several people who I sent pictures to afterwards remarked that there was an eclectic mix, or the theme was sort of all over the place, and it struck me that the theme was really just “shit I like” so I called it “David themed”.  When I get a tattoo done, they are things I love and am excited about.  They are certainly available for other people to see and either appreciate or grimace at (hi mom), but they are solely about me, and I always say in many ways they are like the rings of a tree.  I can tell where I was in life and what I was going through based on a tattoo. Each one has meant something to me, even if it was just “I love this design”. 

So now I proudly wear my tattoos and am constantly planning on getting more.  At some point my limbs will probably be covered.  The added benefit to me is that as someone who has struggled with their body image their whole life, I also now appreciate what I see.  My tattoos are like decorations in a home.  The house works fine without any décor, but the décor makes it feel more like home.  There is a warmth and something inviting about a well decorated house.  Now when I look at where I have tattoos, I appreciate that part of my body just a bit more.  But these now feel like my body parts too.  I feel like I get to make choices about what goes on my body, how my body looks, and that I now get to represent myself in an authentic way.  I lived for so many years trying to “fit in” that I did not really feel a sense of acceptance.  That is what I pursue now in any relationship, whether a friend or a potential romantic partner.  But that is also what I think all of us should be allowed to feel, and I extend that to my clients.  Being able to have places where you are allowed to be yourself and express yourself should not be a privileged thing, yet it often is, because our society wants people to be categorized and to behave, think, feel, and even love in ways that make sense to them.  So, maybe I can be a safe haven a place where someone can take refuge and feel that on an ongoing basis.  I will do it with my ink proudly on display, being tat-true to who I am.