Authenticity is a Necessity for Building Community

Most of us hunger for acceptance.  Often, that becomes one of the things that draws us to certain people, the ability to feel like we can be ourselves and not just that they accept that, but maybe that they actual love and appreciate that about us.  A common theme in many of my conversations lately has been that we all follow this weird trajectory of trying to sort of assimilate and become more homogenous in the time of our twenties and that as we hit our thirties that begins to change.  As I look at my life and the people I know both personally and professionally, there is a greater sense of satisfaction for people the more they feel a sense of belonging and connection.  I think this is why politics has become such a divisive issue now, because that singular aspect of a person has become a big component of their identity.  We often see this with religion too, where people stick with people who are “like” them, but honestly when we divide ourselves along lines like religion or politics, we wind up missing out on a whole bunch of rich connections that can help us see the world differently, but also where we can feel that acceptance and sense of community.  Of course, there will be certain places where we cannot compromise, because maybe we are so opposed on an issue that someone who disagrees with that, we may not be able to form a bond with, but I think we have to look deeper than that.

The more I sit with the notion of authenticity the more I tart trying to figure out where I lost that thread in my own life.  I was very much doing my own thing in high school and did not fit neatly in with any one singular group.  However, at some point in my undergrad program I began to alter some of the things about me that upon my current reflection, were core pieces of me.  Some of these alterations were more akin to the trying something new, seeing how it fits us, and then moving on, but some of them seemed grounded in more of a social expectation.  I think the threat of adulthood creates this sense of pressure where we feel we need to suddenly take up more grown-up interests in an effort to have common ground to talk about in interviews or in the landscape of a cubicle-based office environment.  We start to worry that maybe our interests are too off-the-wall or that people will think we are weird and while in high school or even early in college that has no impact on us other than maybe costing us some friends, in the landscape of “becoming a professional adult” it can cost us a job, career, or ability to not live with our parents.  I know I sure as hell did not go to get a degree just to live with my parents, so the notion of having to live there longer than a transition period may have been a huge motivator.  So, we go out into the world “finger guns a-blazin” as I often talk to my clients about.  We try to be this version of ourselves that is watered down and much more beige than we actually are.  The ultimate goal is to be inoffensive and to feel like we fit in.  Fitting in is far different than acceptance, as in one we alter ourselves to feel a sense of belonging and in the other we experience belonging because we are who we are.  

This is why authenticity is so important because we can’t find our people if we lack it.  Community exists in connection and connection requires vulnerability especially in the sense of saying “this is me being my absolute weirdest, and I really, REALLY hope you don’t hate it”.  There is inherently something risky about being ourselves at some points it feels like. For some people, that is factual, because there are aspects of who they are at their core that are not accepted.  That is a societal issue, and absolutely not something that I would advocate for someone to dive into being authentic and wholly themselves if it will create an unsafe or dangerous existence for them.  However, for many of us, we figure out eventually that we can just lean into who we are, and people will not only vibe with it, but maybe even loudly proclaim “ohhhh me too!” and suddenly we have a newfound connection.  I see this a lot with things that we feel some expectation to leave behind, things like Lego, Disney, Star Wars, video games or any other thing that maybe was an interest we discovered and likely had nurtured, in childhood.  We are often made to feel we must set these things aside to pursue more adult interests, either by parents or maybe by peers who make us feel a sense of shame about them.  Then, as we get old enough to have some expendable income and run out of fucks to give, we decide to live life doing what makes us feel a sense of joy.  Sometimes we may start dabbling with these things maybe a little secretively, but then eventually we lean back into unabashedly loving them.  This is where we find our community, people who have also decided that they love this thing and the feeling they get from it more than they care about how society feels about them. 

I have been very fortunate to find a sense of community in multiple places and multiple fandoms. However, it was not always easy because there is always that strong pull to avoid the things that other people shit on. Anything I love unironically I can point to a subsection of the population who thinks it is dumb, a waste of time, immature or any other number of things. Disney, Star Wars, lifting weights, fantasy books, or any number of my music choices all get hate from someone somewhere. But for many of us, we feel shame in the fact that someone out there does not get it, or maybe that we feel such a sense of joy from this thing that we feel we should hide it. Well, this is your permission to be authentic. This is me telling you whatever thing you love that always brings you joy; you should absolutely lean into that. Be who you are and love what you love. The changes you will begin to experience in your life, the connections you will be able to build are some of the best you will encounter. Sure, there will be those moments of self-doubt and questioning, because not everyone will understand it. But ask yourself if they don’t pay your bills, cook for you, wipe your ass, or take care of you, then why is their opinion of you at all relevant? So, let this serve as your invitation to come be a magnificent weirdo like the rest of us.