Laying Our Ghosts to Rest: Reclaiming Something to Let Go
In case you are somehow out of the pop culture loop, or the Barbie and Oppenheimer hype has drowned out everything else, The Haunted Mansion movie just released this past weekend. Don’t fret if you haven’t seen it, this is not a review so no spoilers will be found related to the movie. However, it serves as an inspiration piece for our chat today. It is no secret that I love Disney nor that I have no problem delving into things that make me feel joy. Oddly, before 2019 my relationship to Disney and allowing myself to express and experience joy in a really authentic way was vastly different than it is now, four years later. As a kid, my family took one trip to Disney World when I was still young enough to be in a stroller, and at risk of outing how old I am, EPCOT was still relatively brand new. I do not have a lot of memories of that trip, but there are a few fleeting ones here and there. But growing up, I learned that I was not a fan of theme parks, because for me I associated theme parks and roller coasters. So, when my abusive ex (then partner) wanted to go to Disneyland in 2019 with her kids and I, I was of course all in but voiced that I was not really a theme park guy. That specific line got a lot of flak over the span of planning the trip and even at the parks. Despite being on that trip with someone who had and would continue to hurt me deeply, I had an amazing time. I fell in love with Disneyland and felt a sense of sadness and grief upon leaving it. Based on her comments and the way she interacted with me while we were there, I don’t think she had any clue what that place meant to me, nor how important it would become for me going forward.
I won’t go into details of that relationship much here because that is a whole separate story for another day and time, and one I have touched on in a lot of places. However, I will say that I felt a sense of magic at Disney that I have only felt a few other places in my life, and those places are always spots that I hold near and dear to my heart. Walking into the park, there was an energy, and the fact that it was already decorated for Halloween was an even more magical experience. Other than crying at the sight of the Millennium Falcon lit up at night, I vividly recall the feeling and the ambience of the Haunted Mansion that first night. There was a giddy feeling for me around it, seeing it decorated for Halloween and then coupling that with it having the holiday overlay in the theme of Nightmare Before Christmas (for the uninitiated). I have heard of people developing an instant bond with people, but I think for me I developed an instant bond with this piece of land and this specific attraction. The area the Haunted Mansion sits in, New Orleans Square is one of my favorite areas in all of Disneyland and I have spent a chunk of time there just enjoying the scenery and energy. That trip ended, as did my relationship with my abusive partner. Both were things that had grief attached to them, and both had their own process of letting go that needed to happen. The end of a trip is always sad, but there is a sense of optimism about a future trip to come, and it can be lovely to return to your own bed after some time. But the end of a relationship, even when that end is needed is not always easy. Hell, I often tell my clients that even when we want to end a relationship and are the ones to initiate that, there can and often will still be a sense of mourning and grieving the future we had begun to imagine.
Almost exactly three years to the day from that trip, I found myself back in the Disneyland area for one of my best friend’s weddings. I built in some additional time while I was there for anything that might come up, and decided I would spend a day park hopping at Disneyland again. This was in a “post COVID” world, so this was only my third or fourth trip “for fun” since the pandemic. I honestly did not have a lot on my agenda for the time park hopping, but I set out early to see Disney and have a good time. I had a sense of sadness about me, recognizing that the last time I was there I had been in a relationship I recognized was not healthy, but one that I also valued a great deal. Coming back as a solo traveler there was a mixture of feeling weird going to Disneyland alone and feeling that sense of missing something, or rather someone else in that place. In a weird twist of fate, I found myself back at the Haunted Mansion after the sun had set, which was how I had experienced it the first time. I felt a flood of feelings in that space and went on the ride enjoying seeing the holiday overlay once again. I wandered around Disney some more feeling that sense of grief and loss and was reticent to go back to my hotel as the park was winding down to a close, but I realized this was becoming a special place for me, and that it would factor into my life more.
A scant six months later I was once again back in Southern California for a wedding. This time, I was prioritizing Disneyland as part of my healing process as well as a way to push myself to finish writing the first draft of my book which is all about my experience in that aforementioned abusive relationship. My therapist had pushed me to write the book, both to help destigmatize the way we talk about emotionally abusive relationships and to show men that it is okay to share about it, while hopefully removing the shame so many feel related to abusive relationships since most people in the aftermath (myself included) ask “why didn’t I realize sooner?”. My therapist had also pushed me to hold a funeral for that relationship, something I have also utilized for my own clients. As it turned out, that funeral would be held just to the side of the Haunted Mansion, soaking in New Orleans Square. As part of this process, I wrote a letter saying all the things I wanted to say, but never got to say which I often encourage clients to do. That is actually the last chapter in my book. Then, I stood there soaking in the sights and listening to some music that spoke to the feelings I was feeling, and the last act was throwing away an item she had left behind that was not a large item, but was very much representative of her, and her desire for control. I literally threw that away and then my lightning lane (sort of a fast pass for the uninitiated) popped up and I hopped on the Haunted Mansion a very (surprisingly) changed man. The rest of that evening and the following day at Disney, I felt like a weight had been removed. I had spent a lot of time grieving and letting go, but that was the final act. I always suggest to my clients that their attendance at a funeral should be about them, and if it will help their process in coming to terms with the death of someone. For me, the Haunted Mansion is now a place where I have reclaimed myself and let go of someone I cared so deeply about. For the rest of my life, the Haunted Mansion will be a place of importance and that is why I have multiple references to it scattered around my life. So, I challenge you to think about laying your ghosts to rest in whatever way allows you to reclaim your life. Then come and join the rest of us Happy Haunts, after all there is ALWAYS room for one more.