Does It Get Better? Men and Body Image Issues

I wrote before about men and body image and had a lot of interaction around that both with clients as well as on social media.  Men of all shapes and sizes voiced that they struggled with their body image.  It was not an issue that was confined to straight men either, but rather seemed to be universal.  I have grappled for a very long time with my own body as I have outlined before.  In fact, if we were to hang a sign that specifically said “Days Since the Last Time You Picked Apart Your Own Body” that sign would never get more than a handful of days on it.  This is not something I am alone in, sadly it seems that it is more prevalent than most people would think, and it is a source of shame for many men.  The fact is that even beyond the bigger than life superheroes we all grew up loving that the idea of what a desired man looks like is always something we are not.  Although, even for some of the men I have discussed this with, they would be seen as both conventionally attractive and have a body type that is seen as more desirable overall in general terms.  Where does this start and is there a way around this or a way to address this that prevents or at least repairs the damage from it?

I recall early in my fitness journey spending a great deal of time on various message boards, many of them ultimately related to bodybuilding since that fit my goals.  Something I was struck with on these boards was that most of the members of these boards were approaching the same issue, but often from different backgrounds, with different frameworks and what seemed to be differing goals, but ultimately were the same.  For many of us the journey started with simply not liking our body and how it looked, and the goal was to get our outward appearance more in line with what we thought we should look like.  For some people, that goal was “I need to gain mass and size” and for others it was “I need to really lean out and both build more muscle but also show more muscle”.  The boards all were united in being unhappy with our individual appearance, and wanting to change it, and being willing to make significant alterations to our daily lives to get there.  Often, the pictures and questions posted were met with encouragement and building each other up (not always, as this is still the internet) and people offering their own observations as well as the little tips and tricks that had helped them on their own journey.  But the ongoing joke was the moment you took up bodybuilding you are always dissatisfied with what you see in the mirror.  You will forever be too big or too small, which resonated with me, because I think all of us want to be able to alter our body with the ease of the sliders in a video game.  I know I would pull my stomach in and would make other parts like biceps or upper back, bigger. 

I think though this can serve as a solution to the way we see our bodies.  Not so much the “make a real-life slider system like in video games” (although if you do, hit the contact info) but rather the recognizing that all of us are working on some part of our own journey.  Arguably, for so many of us we need to focus more on building habits, patterns, and routines that demonstrate we are moving closer to our goals.  No genuine change happens overnight and for anyone who has been doing fitness related activities for any length of time, they know that this shit takes time and consistency.  I talk to my clients a lot about playing the long game.  The tenets of therapy are very closely tied to those of altering the look of our body, in that it takes time to build new habits that we will stick to, and that we have to pick our spots.  We cannot (outside of newb gains) consistently see people dropping tons of mass while also gaining significant strength because the goals and processes are opposed to each other.  It is possible to drop some weight while gaining or maintaining strength, but you won’t drop 100 pounds and have all your strength still, just look at any lifter who cut an entire weight class from where they were.  They may put up great numbers, but they will not be putting up the numbers they did before.  But in our society, we don’t reward people for effort the way we should, hell we punish people for not being perfect more often than not.  There are so many videos where one gym-goer will video another to make fun of their form, clothing, or appearance.  We should be celebrating that person making a choice and showing up and doing something that isn’t always fun.

For me, I have not been happy with my appearance at any size or weight.  I have received negative comments at all of them, sometimes from classmates in grade school, sometimes from random internet trolls, and sometimes from an abusive partner.  While having a partner criticize you as both your leanest (for being TOO LEAN) as well as when you put on weight because they forced you to stop working out (for not taking care of yourself the way you should) left a pretty lasting wound on me, the expectations I have for myself have always been the harshest.  In dating nobody criticized me, in fact it was often more than there was a lot of attention and compliments.  Because there was not a relationship there, most of those compliments did not stick the way other compliments at other times might have.  What has been most impactful for me is recognizing what my body does, what it is capable of, and seeing that it can do the things I have asked it to do.  In my early 30’s if I asked my body to run a mile, it would have just laid down to die.  Had I asked it to go for a hike it would have told me what I could do with that thought.  Had I told it to pick up a barbell it would have shown an interest but been afraid.  Now I exercise on a daily basis.  For me to miss a workout of some variety says a lot about how badly I feel.  I wear smaller sizes than I did in my 20’s, and my clothes fit me better than they did then.  That is the shit I must focus on, that I am better today than I was then, that the process is showing results.  I also have to personally remind myself that what I have been pursuing has been building muscle and that means I will add pounds to the scale, size to my clothing, and also will result in adding some fat to my body because I have not always been careful in my intake.  Learning to appreciate what our body can do, and making sure we engage in activities that further that pursuit help, but ultimately each of us must do work to appreciate our bodies and recognize that we have been making steady progress.  We all should seek a growth mindset and avoid stagnation.  If we do that, that is worthy of celebrating and appreciating all we are and can do.