Perfectionism and Body Image

A common theme I see in my work, and if I am being really transparent, my life, is that of perfectionism.  For so many of my clients they grapple with setting these ridiculously high expectations for themselves that they do not hold anyone else remotely near.  Those high standards are not just them demanding the best of themselves but them putting a goal that is going to be out of reach as their marker of self-worth.  If, or rather when, they fall short of that goal, they feel like they have failed completely and will beat themselves up for not being able to hit the mark, no matter how unreachable it was.  This becomes a never-ending cycle where they set a desired outcome (again that they would not hold, and do not hold anyone else to) and when they fall short, they claim they have failed and point to how this consistently happens.  This then leads to them believing they are worth less, are less desirable, and they will believe other people and their experiences may be more important or valid than their own.  All because they could not meet this impossible target.  This leads to a sense of shame like there is something wrong with them specifically.  Moreover, this is almost always a comparison to one other person or performance on one specific thing, and we leave out all the other factors, many of which are the ones that actually make it impossible to execute to the same extent. We leave out those details about how the other person did not have four other things on their to do list or how the other person may have had some element of support we lacked. While we most frequently see this playout in work and school settings it also seems to rear its ugly head in the world of how many of us see ourselves. 

I wrote previously about the impact of imagery on all of us when it comes to actors and magazine covers and how it creates these impossible standards that most of us are simply incapable of reaching.  The problem with this is that often companies and publications will market these images to us in a way that makes them seem attainable if we work hard enough, dedicate ourselves seriously enough, or take the right supplement or vitamin.  Hell, we often see our action hero leads as almost an every-man at the start of a film, and then we see them rise to become a hero.  This subtly tells us that even a guy who works a job that takes up most of his day and energy, and who raises his kids can have this ultra-impressive physique with rippling abs and bulging biceps even though he eats trash.  Magazines and ads for fitness equipment tell us all we need is 20 minutes a day a few times a week to follow this training protocol.  But all these conveniently leave out all the factors that go into having this exact physical appearance.  I recall vividly for me in college going to the gym and thinking “I will hit these machines a few times a week and do a run or walk too” and expecting the results to be a six pack.  I sincerely thought that was the way exercise worked because I had been led to believe that a minor amount of effort would yield these impressive results by commercials on television as well as ads and articles in magazines.  Imagine my shock when I finally got into actual fitness spaces and learned about the importance of nutrition, getting enough of the right types of foods as well as the importance of sleep AND the fact that training was actually supposed to be hard work.  Honestly, it felt like I had been lied to for years, and in many ways I had.

Now, when we look at a body we see in media and think “damn, that is the ideal, I want to look like that” we only compare our body to that body, and we throw everything else out the window abruptly.  But really, that does not work in any way.  I would bet my house that the guys we most idealize get to focus on their physical appearance like a full-time job.  They have a team preparing meals and serving them at exact times, they have schedules designed specifically to get enough exercise and sleep in, and they also get paid to look a certain way.  Meanwhile, the average guy probably has a life like mine where they must work a full day doing a job that is not “working out and focusing on appearance” and then they have to tend to household chores like cooking, cleaning, spending quality time with their kids and partners.  They probably want to prioritize some more time to exercise or to being able to cook but maybe they can’t because they have a long ass commute to and from work, or maybe money is tight so they can only afford a very moderate meal, and not the freshest proteins and vegetables.  They may have only a passable gym to exercise in, or maybe they do not have access to a gym because of time or financial constraints so they have to make do with what they have, their feet and body weight exercises.  All of those are real and very valid excuses, but ultimately, it still boils down to “the body I have versus the body that guy has” and we feel like we have failed when we can’t get there.  The laundry list of reasons our body does not look exactly like this other guy’s is longer than a CVS receipt, yet we chalk it up as a failure, and that does us an injustice, as well as puts us in a position of both hurt and frustration. 

So, often what I do with clients working on perfectionism is ask them to pick the person they love most (still not a soul has picked themselves…which is why Jamie Tartt gave such a psychologically healthy answer in season one of Ted Lasso…but I digress) and ask if they would expect that person to hit this mark. Then I go a step further and ask if that person would also lose their worth or value if they missed the mark. The answer to both is always a no. I understand battling with your body, and trying to figure out how to make it do the things you want it to do as well as how hard it is to make it look the way you want it to look when you see it in the mirror or pictures. I know most days I could do a bit more to alter my appearance, I have done it before after all, but the fact is I also want to enjoy my life and that may mean I seldom am my leanest. Our bodies are not meant to always be at their leanest. Hell, often carrying a tiny bit of fat as we age can be good as it can help cushion falls. However, if we want to take the best care of ourselves, we should focus on taking care of our bodies all the time. Maybe we will never be screen ready, but most actors are not either. Most of them do the rippled ab shot then start putting on a little weight after the shot has been gotten. If we build longevity in our habits we will see longevity in our lives, and our bodies will remain capable of doing what we ask of them for longer. Ultimately that should be the goal, building sustained habits that have long-lasting impacts. If you can say you did work for your health today THAT should be the goal, even if that work was resting today.