The Renewal (or Rediscovery) of Self

I want to start with a bit of a warning.  This post may come cross to some as toxic positivity or even something akin to victim blaming.  So, in want to start by saying this is specific just to me and my own healing journey. None of us have the exact same journey and what holds true for one person will not hold true for everyone.  I have spent a great deal of time in my own therapy and on my own healing to the point that this is where I am. When I reflect back, I do of course have regrets and question choices but also recognize how I have made changes in my life as a result of what I have endured.  With that said, I hope some element of what I share today resonates with you and helps you either see how far you have come yourself or gives you a glimmer of hope about what the future may hold for you.  It is not an easy path, nor a particularly fun and enjoyable one, but it can be eternally rewarding. 

Music has always been a substantial part of my life.  I often have core memories that are attached to either a song playing as I experienced it or a song that was popular or in heavy rotation on my speakers.  It goes far deeper than that for me though, as music is also often a catalyst for feeling emotions or at least feeling less alone with them.  There have been countless times when driving or when working out where a song comes on and suddenly I am almost hyperaware of the feeling it is evoking, maybe just with the tune being played and often with the lyrics.  In fact, a lyric once again inspired today’s post, along with some self-reflection in my own therapy as well as in discussions with friends recently.  Recently I have had Killswitch Engage’s album “As Daylight Dies” album playing which has always been one that I loved.  There is a track called “Unbroken” on that album which has the lines:

“Through adversity, there is redemption.  With passion, fighting.  I am, unbroken.” As well as; “The absence of fear is the renewal of our self.”

Following years in an abusive relationship I have gotten to a place where there is some level of appreciation of what I went through.  I would never want to go through it again nor would I want someone else to endure it, but for me it was truly a transformative experience.  You see, like many of my clients I lived a life where I constantly put others first, even at expense to myself.  This was not just an occasional thing where someone was in need, and I gave to keep them afloat.  Rather this was me feeling my entire self-worth was tied to keeping this person in my life and making sure they were happy so I could feel something I believed was happiness and comfort.  There was people-pleasing and codependency present and one day I met someone who came into my life and took advantage of those parts of me.  I gave and gave, I sacrificed my needs, safety, comfort and security repeatedly and this person was a vortex who took and then asked if that was it. Eventually, as all relationships like this, it ended when I finally set some boundaries and they realized that they were not going to be able to take advantage of me anymore.  This was one of the worst periods in my life and one that taught me so many lessons, and I have almost something akin to gratitude for it now.

Thanks to that abusive relationship I survived, I have grown to appreciate so many things in my life in a profound way.  Simple things that I would have just brushed off are now a big deal.  I have learned to value my own needs and experiences on a far deeper level and will not compromise myself for someone ever again.  I learned to recognize the patterns I was experiencing through therapy both while I was in that relationship and in the time since it ended.  Recognizing those patterns and even the physical cues and symptoms that often preceded some of those past responses helped me learn to figure out who was and who was not safe for me to be around in an emotional sense.  Those who offered safety, security and comfort, who were patient, kind and understanding became my people.  That is not to say I don’t enjoy some roasting and that my sense of humor changed or that I feel fragile now.  In fact, I feel less fragile now than ever before.  There is a softness in the sense that I am much more prone to tears, both of joy and appreciation as much as those of sadness or grief.  A simple gesture can be filled with meaning for me now, something simple like remembering a detail about me or even like making sure that when I visit you have one of my drinks of choice makes me feel so valued and seen.  The people who pay attention to me, who take the time to learn about me and understand me are people I can trust and feel safety when I am around.  That means I do not feel the anxiety of trying to prove myself and earn their attention, but rather I work to create a mutually beneficial and safe place.

Beyond my personal life though, my experience has allowed me to grow in my career a whole lot too.  We could talk about how I threw myself into my work when I was reeling (not the ideal coping strategy, but it was one I did utilize) or we can talk about how I am able to recognize some of the patterns in others that I know from my own lived experience, and how my experiences now translate to professional knowledge and abilities to recognize things in clients often before they see it themselves.  I also am more acutely aware of when a client is in a toxic relationship bordering on abusive and can help educate them on warning signs as well as help them navigate boundaries they need to feel their own safety.  Watching them make alterations to their lives and seeing it pay off in such a way that their overall quality of life is improving gives me a sense of pride that is damn close to the pride I feel when one of my kids accomplishes or does something big. 

I may or may not share elements of my story directly with clients if it helps them in their own healing, but I do try to be open about my own struggles because I want to normalize them as well as destigmatize the experience.  At the end of the day, I want everyone to know that healing is not only possible, but life can be a really wonderful and beautiful experience, even if there is a substantial amount of adversity to get there.  My wish would be that nobody has to endure adversity nor pain, but knowing damn well I cannot prevent that, my hope is that with my stories, with my time and energy, someone, maybe even you, can feel that glimmer of optimism and find your footing.  I am happy to serve both as a guide in an individual’s journey, or even just as someone to help another human find their equilibrium while their world is spinning.  With all that said, I appreciate my struggles because they helped me uncover who I really am and helped me find the people and things that matter most to me in the world.