The Burn of Gaslighting
I have shared a good amount of things from the abusive relationship I survived, and today is just another exploration of that. So, for those who are still healing, proceed with caution. For those who are unsure if they are in an abusive relationship or have concerns that they may have a friend or family member in one, this could be a post you find helpful. As an added bonus (or punishment) to those who continue reading, much of today’s writing was inspired by the musical “Hamilton” so there will be plenty of references to it scattered throughout because damn, it really is great song after great song with some amazing lyrics and storytelling. For those familiar with the musical, I referenced a song towards the tail end of the musical in the title today, and that is where I want to start.
The song “Burn” is a performance from Eliza, Hamilton’s wife after his affair became public knowledge…because he wrote all about it in an effort to protect himself from it being leverage used by his political foes. She sings from the place of deep hurt and feelings of betrayal and the sense that no matter how deeply she loved and cared for this man, he has ruined it all. The lyrics, for those who have survived abusive relationships, may evoke even a hint of lovebombing as she describes how his words, and his letters made her helpless and lacking her senses. For many of those who survived such a relationship they may recall the early days where they never felt so alive, so loved, desired, and wanted and like the feelings in their relationship were electric. This is often the basis for why people will stay in these types of relationships, because that feeling was indeed like a drug, and they continue to chase that feeling hopeful it will return if they just get their part right. That is why it becomes so easy to be a victim of a manipulative partner who starts gaslighting. You have existed in their version of reality for so long, that you are willing to forego your lived experiences to try and make things “right”. They become adept at making you believe their experience is actually what happened. At first you might protest, but they will overpower you and eventually you succumb to their version. It can be significantly harder to return to the lived reality when your partner is gaslighting you because typically no one else was in the room where it happened.
That is why “Burn” is such an important song to me. My abusive ex accused me of having an emotional affair with a woman who was basically my sister. She insinuated that it was probably more, but after poring through months of messages on multiple platforms did not find any evidence of that, so decided that it was an emotional affair. Really, what it was is the one person on the planet who knew exactly how horribly abusive, mean, and dehumanizing my partner at the time was to me. My friend had screenshots and was my tether to sanity in this, and she shared with her partner at the time who would simply shake his head and voice how sorry he felt for me. But, as anyone who has been in such a relationship knows, all roads eventually lead to isolation. When my partner discovered I had this safety net, she made me get rid of it and loudly proclaimed to her family, friends, social media and children that I was a liar and a cheater. In my heart, I knew none of that was true, but the more she said it, and the more I wanted things to go back to how they were, the more I would succumb to her version of events. When I would hear “Burn” I would think how badly she must have felt and would tell myself I really screwed up. I had fully bought into her version of events, despite my friend (who she made me cut off, of course) and my therapist telling me I had not done anything to violate that relationship. Eventually, I would start skipping that song when I would listen to the “Hamilton” soundtrack because it made me feel terrible.
“I am the one thing in life I can control”, is something Burr sings earlier in the show. I often remind my clients that we are only in control of ourselves, our actions and our reactions. That often feels like a challenge to people who have lived their lives in service to others, and who have been so impacted by the emotional abuse and mental turmoil so common in an abusive relationship. We wind up in a place where we have nothing left to lose and all that is left is an endless uphill climb because our abuser has taken so much from us. Friends, family, financial security, even our own reality, but all we can cling to is ourselves and the peoples, places, or things that serve as touchpoints to reality. From there we can rebuild. For me, part of that rebuilding was listening to “Burn” as part of the funeral I held for that relationship. Now, I recognize that in the relationship she was the one violating our relationship. She was the one who was seeking attention from other people, and the one who would disappear for hours or days at a time (on a couple of occasions weeks to a month plus), and she was the one who was doing things outside of the relationship that I had said made me uncomfortable. Thanks to gaslighting, I had come to believe I had behaved improperly and violated her trust, and now this song has become a touchstone of reality for me as I do more than snatch a stalemate from the jaws of defeat in my own recovery.
For me, a big part of my own recovery was (and I guess remains) sharing my experience. I do so because I have been told repeatedly that it helps others who are struggling with similar relationships, or the ending of one. This is how I build something that’s going to outlive me, and hopefully a way I can help make the world a better place, by making sure that I contribute to the healing in the world as best I can, whether through actual therapy or through normalizing the experiences someone has gone through. My impact does not need to be global or even regional, but if I can help one person feel less alone in the experiences we have both endured then my hope is they experience some comfort and peace and that spills over into the rest of their day.