Parenting With (the) Force

I have a number of clients who are parents. One of the biggest concerns they, as well as clients who are planning or hoping to become parents express is that of how to be the parent they needed, and how to not make some of the same mistakes they experienced with their own parents in childhood. Being the nerd that I am I tell them to “use force” and then when they look bewildered, I clarify “use THE Force (insert name)”. Okay, that has never actually happened, but I am picturing an old SNL skit with Luke Perry and Phil Hartman doing a monologue skit and making myself giggle, thanks for joining me on that ride. The actual thing we talk about in therapy for parenting is often referred to as “good enough parenting” because we try to recognize that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. For many clients perfectionism is a major issue they are already battling, and when it comes to raising a kid and hoping that kid does not face the same struggles, well you can easily see how that could be an issue they have to face when trying to be the best parent they can be. As we are approaching May the Fourth, I wanted to highlight in some ways what good enough parenting looks like, using Star Wars, specifically Obi-Wan Kenobi, who I think both is the most important Jedi, and who played a de facto parenting role, despite not actually being a parent. There will be spoilers for Star Wars content that is around two plus years old, so this is your fair warning.

Obi-Wan is, to my mind, the most consequential Jedi in the time period taking place from the prequels to the original movies in my opinion. To quickly touch on that point, he trained both Anakin and Luke, who are the primary characters across those six movies and the assorted series that take place in that timeframe. He may not have been the most powerful Jedi, the most accomplished or decorated, but he was the most consistent and I would go so far as to say the most loyal to his word. So, with that stated, we can look at why I think he can serve as the model for what parenting should look like.

For starters, Obi-Wan is himself in training when we first meet him in the prequels. His master, Qui-Gon Jinn is the Jedi who recognizes the potential in Anakin and takes him away to learn to be a Jedi. When he is killed, he makes Obi-Wan agree to train Anakin believing he will bring balance to the Force. Obi-Wan, now in a pseudo-parental role agrees and then must advocate to the Jedi Council that they should allow him to follow his master’s wish. In this place, he shows consistency which is a major thing we can offer our kids. Further, once he has taken on Anakin as his padawan, he allows him to use his voice and take up space. There are times when Obi-Wan may shoot down an idea Anakin has, or something he wants to do, but those are him establishing or maintaining some boundaries. Other times, he listens and will acquiesce showing he values Anakin. As parents, we have to set limits for our kids, but we also need to teach them that their voice has value and that we are listening to them. For many, striking this balance is a real challenge, especially the more stress we have on our plates and the more we are trying to overcome our own knee-jerk responses. While we do not see an extensive amount of time with Anakin and Obi-Wan in this dynamic, Obi-Wan seems to sort of naturally settle into this role and cadence. As the story unfolds, Obi-Wan is able to train Anakin to the point where he becomes a Jedi himself, despite concern from the Jedi Council. As parents that is often the best we can hope for, to train our kids to be able to go out into the world and be good citizens. We are not able to control them, but we hope our training and guidance has been sufficient.

Anakin obviously falls prey to the Emperor and the allure of the Dark Side. As parents we sure want our kids to avoid moral failings and mistakes that harm themselves or others, but we can only hope we have effectively trained them. It does not mean they will not be tempted by others. As the prequels conclude, Obi-Wan is desperately still working to bail Anakin out of his mistakes, he sees the inherent good in him and is still reaching out to that, showing him unconditional love. On Mustafar at the end of the final prequel, Anakin has committed himself to doing the Emperor’s bidding, falling prey to his manipulations. When Obi-Wan learns of it, he is still desperately trying to save him, and fights him in one of the more emotional scenes of the movies. While Anakin seethes with rage, Obi-Wan offers accountability, telling Anakin “I have failed you”, trying to find common ground and let Anakin know he wants to help fix things. Despite their longstanding history, Anakin dismisses him echoing what Palpatine has told him and taking the fight back to Obi-Wan. Eventually this fight results in the two at a stand-off with Obi-Wan telling Anakin to not try to attack him as he has the high ground. Anakin does and Obi-Wan has to enact a punishment. In this case, it involves a significant lightsaber wound to Anakin (which we do not want to do as parents in case that was in doubt). Rather we should focus on how even here, Obi-Wan is communicating limits to Anakin, setting a boundary, and then when that limit is pushed, there is a consequence. As parents, we do not always enjoy the consequence, and rewatching the scene play out as I write this, the “I hate you” delivered by Anakin feels probably painfully familiar to parents who have to set limits and enforce consequences especially with older kids.

In the series Kenobi, the two come face-to-face again, and Anakin, now as Vader, believes Obi-Wan is displaying weakness with him, which to my eye is more the love of a parent who wants to set a limit, but not harm their child. In this moment, he finds strength in thinking of Leia and how he is protecting her to truly fight against Vader, striking him in a way that disables his suit. In that moment, with Vader’s mask split, Obi-Wan once again sees Anakin, and attempts once more to reach him. The devastation in his eyes as he apologizes to Anakin one final time as Vader tells him that Obi-Wan did not kill Anakin, but that he did and Obi-Wan realizes he cannot reach the kid he knew any longer, and for the first time calls him “Darth”. To me, this is a scene I saw play out often in parents who have children struggling with addiction. They want to so badly rescue them, but at the point those children are adults, they have to let go, and watch their kid potentially continue to make painful decisions, knowing they cannot stop them nor save them. It is gutting to see this play out both in film and in life, but that is where you must hope that the love you show, the training you give, and the knowledge that you still care about that person gets through to them. There are no assurances as a parent that we can have, we just have to hope we did our best and that it was enough. If we lead with love, our hope is that our kids will never face a level of manipulation that gets them to this place, and that before things go terribly in their lives, they will know to reach for us.