The Price of Loyalty

One of my dearest friends started a clothing line targeted at people who train in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (BJJ).  Although I have never done any BJJ I wanted to support my friend and so as soon as I could snag an item that I would be able to use, I did so.  Did I do this out of guilt or obligation?  No, not really.  There was no expectation from him that I buy his stuff but to me I have a desire to support people I care about in ways I can.  He is not the first friend who had a business I made some efforts to support, and he likely will not be the last.  For me, this is just part of being a friend, being supportive and showing a sense of loyalty.  I will root for you, and I will offer support from following a new account on social, to sharing with friends, or to making a purchase when I am showing loyalty to someone.  However, I think many of us have a warped idea of loyalty and that is often something that may be holding us back in our lives and even on a grander scale across society.

To my observation there are many people who are blindly loyal to something regardless of the impact that loyalty has on them, their friends or family.  This could be a political identity, an idea that they are unwilling to explore, or even a shitty person in their life.  I certainly have been guilty of all of those at various points in my life, and in my own hindsight I see a much clearer place where I should have broken away from the place where I maintained loyalty.  I would like to believe today that I am more aware and evaluate things in a clearer way than I did historically speaking partly because of the missteps I have made along the way.  Obviously in my career I am a firm believer in change being possible, but to paraphrase one of my favorite therapy jokes (How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? The lightbulb has to WANT to change) a person must desire change.  This is often the sticking point for many of us when it comes to our loyalties.  We want to see more, and we hope there will be growth, but then we feel a sense of that sunk cost keeping us there, or even the fear of acknowledging a mistake may hold us back.

I had other friends who ran a clothing brand that was quite successful.  I spent a great deal of time with them and valued them deeply, and I loved them dearly.  However, as time went on there was a shift and I wound up being confronted with the fact that things were not as they seemed.  I tried to have conversations and tried to speak to accountability and understanding, but rather than the softness and consideration I had come to expect, I was met with unmoving and harsh barriers which I realized in that moment were not boundaries which had openings for nuance and understanding, but rather were walls designed to be permanent.  In that moment, the years of support, financial, emotional, practical and more were all suddenly erased.  My heart broke at the realization of where things were, and I quietly distanced myself realizing I had given (and received) much here, but that we had reached an impasse.  I could not compromise my morals and they would not hear me, see me, nor soften to something that felt shared humanity.  There was no blow up, no yelling, no foul names nor arguments and I have never publicly denounced them.  I shared my grief and disappointment with my closest support system and have withdrawn all forms of support and loyalty.  It was not easy, both because these were people I loved, and because so much of my wardrobe was linked to them, but it was a place I was left with no choice.

For anyone not new here, me surviving an abusive relationship is old news.  For those new, there are multiple posts related to that, and my book detailing that experience will come out one day.  However, to attempt to make this not become a ridiculously long post, I will just point to the fact that for many years I pledged love to someone who treated me worse than my new partner treats feral cats.  Honestly, that may not be the best measuring stick because she is kind and patient with those cats, and neither of those words has ever once been used by any of my friends and family to describe my abusive ex.  I showed up repeatedly in that relationship with a heart full of pain, hoping and praying that this would be the day I felt love like I did in the beginning.  I increased my debt over and over to a place where I was breaking my ability to pay for my life in an effort to try and prove my love and loyalty.  Looking back, I certainly know I proved both, but I so very seldom felt either in return that I marvel at how long I hung onto that hope.  It was both the sunk cost fallacy as well as the not wanting to acknowledge I made a mistake and the fact that love-bombing is a powerful drug when you have been hungry for love.  Once I was hooked, it was hard to escape, holding out hope that somehow the ship would right itself through my efforts.  It never did and it took me years of therapy before I was feeling safe enough to fully trust someone again. 

Sometimes we may align ourselves with people who are not deserving of our loyalty, and sometimes we may align our identity with a cause or a belief.  One of the biggest flexes to me is someone who is willing to actually listen to evidence that is counter to what they stand on and consider that maybe they are wrong.  Growth and accountability are a huge deal, but many people would rather just blindly follow along living a life filled with contradictions rather than adjust themselves to be truer to themselves.  I have always seen this with political identities and increasingly with religious identities too.  So, my challenge to you related to loyalty is to question why you are loyal to the things you are loyal to.  Sure, we may always love a sports team because they are our team, or our alma mater, and that for the most part may never change no matter their performance, but that is not an ideological thing.  But the people, the beliefs, and the social causes we align ourselves with, do they actually fit with our worldview, and are they actually deserving of the energy we put into them, or are we sticking with this simply because we are afraid?