A Grief Observed: A Crisis with Faith

I struggle a great deal with faith. Not just faith in myself, but faith in my fellow mankind as well as the idea of religious faith. The first is an ongoing thing present in my life as long as I can recall, while the latter two are relatively new in terms of my lifespan. I grew up going to church, having a Bible and thinking that people in general wanted the best for each other, that mankind was inherently good to one another. Some may argue now (and I would tend to agree) that I was able to hold that belief because of my own privilege. Much the same way a lion does not feel a lot of natural threats, a straight white guy typically does not either, especially growing up at the time I did. Sure, there were times I worried for my safety, but those were not targeted attacks or potential threats aimed at me because of who I was, they were more related to wrong place, wrong time sort of moments in my life. Because of that, I assumed when I would hear stories about people being harmed, that was also their experience. Beyond that, having a faith in God meant I heard, and agreed with the notion that “everything happens for a reason” and that “God has a plan, and this is all part of the plan”.

I self-identified as a Christian from as early an age as I can recall, and while I cannot tell you exactly when I struggled using that word to describe myself, specifically, I know when I ardently avoided using it. I remember in high school, a friend asking me if I was a Satanist because I liked the band Slayer. I vehemently told her I could like the band with some of their imagery and lyrical content and not compromise my faith. This was not the first, nor last time it felt like I could not be “myself” and a Christian at the same time in other people’s eyes. In college, I actually committed more deeply to the faith and began attending a church and spending time intentionally with campus groups who were faith based. I began reading my Bible more regularly and sought out older Christian philosophy books to deepen my understanding. I toyed with the idea of working at my church after college. I volunteered and nearly applied for a job there at one point. My second ever tattoo was centered in my faith and to this day, I still get compliments on it. Through my church, I discovered the careers I might best fit with would be teacher, pastor, or therapist. I knew my patience would be an issue as a teacher (and arguably probably my love of cuss words) and that inevitably, becoming a pastor I would accidentally say one of my favorite words and alienate an entire congregation at one point, so I began to look into being a therapist in earnest. I found the grad school that would work best for me to become a therapist from a recommendation of a counselor at the church I attended. I had no idea that having that institution on my resume might impact my future career when I went, but in multiple moments it has from employers fearing I might try to proselytize in the workplace (as I become ever more an introvert, I barely want to socialize in a workplace) and having clients matched with me when I worked through one of the tech-therapy platforms see that institution on my CV and immediately saying they would not feel safe, nor confident of my abilities to work with them, as they were people who had been harmed by evangelical Christians.

For me, the moment I changed so many of the ways I had previously identified myself came about in the 2016 presidential election. In the primaries here in Georgia, I was still voting as a Republican (which I registered as going back to my first election, and which I can recall thinking of myself as going back as far as third grade). Once Trump became the presumptive nominee for the GOP, and once faith-based groups began backing him, I realized the days of me identifying as a Conservative Christian were gone. I began to see religious groups in a different light. I still work with Christians to this day, so let me say they are brave and courageous individuals. The ones I know are the same caliber of people as a woman I saw on a dating app, who identified as a Christian but said she was hoping for a “love your neighbor” kind not a “storm the Capitol” kind. For the record I did swipe on her, wanting to at the very least thank her for restoring more faith in the idea of faith for me, because I did not think we would be compatible long term. More and more, I see people who identify as Christian on social media and in public, who speak to hate. Who speak to not accepting other people, and who display behaviors and actions which feel truly counter to the Jesus I grew up knowing, loving and even worshipping. When I see people who voice a deep faith, and who choose to support Trump and the MAGA ideas, I struggle to understand how they can do that. I come back over and over to the idea that either they are following blindly and not stopping to question how someone who is a serial adulterer, a grifter, and who clearly has no knowledge of the Bible other than how to print them in China to grift to his followers, fits into the Christian faith, or that the label Christian no longer means what it did, and it is closer to a sports team affiliation or a club than an actual belief system.

So, while I struggle with my own ideas around faith, I do not struggle with who I am, nor what I understand of the teachings of the Bible. To conclude I want to highlight a few pieces I think are pertinent when looking at the election we are currently in the midst of.

1 Corinthians 13 talks about love. When many Christians speak of Jesus, they may cite John 3:16 as a favorite Scripture, discussing how Jesus was sent to the world offering eternal life. However, I have always found John 3:17 an important piece that does not get discussed with the same reverence. In 3:17 it goes on to say that Jesus did not come to condemn, but rather to save. To me, the idea of saving rather than condemning IS a true act of love. When my kids make a mistake, I speak to that mistake, but I remind them of my love for them. When it comes to other believers, in Matthew 18, it speaks of confronting sin in a brother and how to escalate that within the “church”. But it goes on to talk about the treatment of an unmerciful servant and how forgiveness works. The notion that because we would be forgiven, we should also forgive our brothers, or we will face the punishment for what we were forgiven for. Yet today so many people who identify a Christian forget that love is at the heart of all things, and that the greatest thing we were given is love. They focus on tearing others down, on calling people sinner who live differently, yet do not set their own stones down. They do not want to care for those they see as beneath them. Rather, they want to focus on displaying their own “goodness” or successes. I lastly want to highlight, in Matthew 25:34-46, Jesus speaks to how he will show up as hungry, thirsty, needing clothes and being sick. Those who offered comfort and aid will sit at His right hand, whereas those who ignored him will face eternal punishment. Those who want to celebrate their riches and success perhaps want to reflect on camels and eyes of needles when they want to diminish poor, immigrants, or those who are struggling. Once again, they greatest of these, and I believe truly the answer, is love. So, I implore those who maintain a faith, who openly identify as Christian, to ask yourself, are you voting for the side that shows love, or are you voting for the side that cares only about enlarging their own wealth and offers no care for the least?